i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
