i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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