I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
