Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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