I just pynch a tree in the face
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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