this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize