You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
