when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
