I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
