i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
