my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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