Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
