Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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