I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
