Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
