i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
