Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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