hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
