Old men and throwing up are my life now.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I touched a dick in church today
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize