He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
