Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You're like the curious george of whores
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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