he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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