so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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