Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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