Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
God, you're like boner-b-gone
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
