Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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