they need to just BURY HIM!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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