so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
