You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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