You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
