We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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