my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
