I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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