I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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