My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
