My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
