No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
