he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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