i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
