My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Damn victory sex feels great
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
