6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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