Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
