Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
