dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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