dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
wow bdsm is so cute
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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