i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
