I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
