Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
