There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
