I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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