dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I checked into jail on foursquare
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
