I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
