If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
