If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
