Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
