Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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