What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
