man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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