Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
