no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
