Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Couch. On fire.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
