I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
