My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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