why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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