have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
