You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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