My sheets look like a crime scene.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
