i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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