I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
