goodnight i made you a song goodbye
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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