I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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