I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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